Sunday, June 10, 2001 | 3:52 p.m.

i feel.... so weird. of course i know that this kid is a complete femmephobe and i am mad as hell that he and his friends never ever see lisa. that my beautiful amazing femme girlfriend is invisible to them because she doesn't fit their genderfuck criteria. and i hate that i do fit it. i don't like having these kids talk to me like i'm one of the boys, while ignoring my girlfriend. it's really hard though because i have no trans/genderqueer boy friends here, and while my over all feeling is disgust with them, i still have some feeling of happiness that i am being "seen" when they talk to me. i KNOW it's fucked up. i know this. and lisa has every right to be mad at me about this. while i get to be visible and validated by these kids, they are reminding her that she is not worth seeing and that she doesn't exist. it is something i need to work on really really hard, and i am comitted to that.

i was flattered that this kid said something because i have never been hit on like that before. it goes back to that whole being "seen" thing. and again, while that was happening lisa was not being seen. it makes me so angry that these fags assume that i don't like girls and FEMMES. i had this stupid feeling like i was being rude by just leaving. and i realize now that that was not at all rude. what i really wanted to say was "this is my girlfriend, and i am going home with her now."

shyness sometimes kills me.

current mood: drained current music: nuttin, honey

Friday, June 8th, 2001 | 1:40 am

lisa and i are watching a show about mummies. it is very interesting. lisa keeps gasping. they keep calling this one skeleton "cheddar man". what the hell?? they also showed this other guy who made his own mummy. they showed him taking the brain out and it made a lot of squishy noises! ewwwwwwwww!!!

anyway. i am a tired dog. we had a long day. last night we went over to hang out with luna and johnny and caitlin and stayed over at luna's house. but damnit, we are old people and we were hurting on the floor. it's so funny. but it wasn't funny that leesie had a bad migraine. so we went home at like 6:30 am, and slept.

i was late for my class, but that was okay. misty was presenting about dyke punk. she showed clips from that "she's real worse than queer" video, and played sleater-kinney. haha. but it was cool. i told misty about how i was in love with that movie when i was 16 and actually said "when i was still a lesbian, before i started coming out as trans." and it felt really good to say. i am fighting for my identity to be recognized in women's studies classrooms, and it felt really good to say something today. er yeah. hi, i'm shy.

when i got home johnny and caitlin had come over. we watched maury povich and they both checked their email. we had toast and then went to the roxy so johnny could cruise, and we could eat roxy fries. then we went over to ground kontrol and played video games & took pictures. we tried to scan them but the line at the library was too fucking long. we said goodbye to caitlin and went home. then johnny left and i just crashed.

we had a really good dinner of pasta with ginormous collard greens, zucchini, tomatoes and soy cheese. i also made some yummy rosemary bread that was fucking awesome.

now i'm feeling sleepy and thinking about laying down and watching some tv. aahhhhhhhhhg.

sleep well, pup pies. xo.

current mood: tired current music: the sister sister theme song

Thursday, May 17, 2001 | 5:57 p.m.

i'm listening to my dion and the belmonts mp3 list and UPDATING. wow. i'm sure you are impressed. oh yeah. i know it. anyway hi! we just got the "hangin' tough live" video i won on ebay and it fucking rocks!!@#@ i remember it like it was yesterday. i love the pelvic thrusting and the "give it to ya 5 times." soooo good. and please, could jordan be a ANY femmer? lisa is soooo well suited as him. dang.

i had a really nice class today. shyanne was talking about how it's really hard for her to hear people say "we" about something when it is most likely the "we" refers to white people. i went up to her after the discussion and told her that could related to having "we" issues, since the other "we" in the class is usually for women. although these "we's" are different, it felt really important that we discussed the fact that we both experience them. I am sick and tired of being included in the "woman" category, and of being shy about telling people not to call me "lady" or whatever. i am also really fucking sick of people saying "we as white people" in my classes, when there are people of color in their small groups. it's like hi, don't assume fucking anything, okay? but anyway, it was really good to talk to her. she is so fucking nice.

julie and megan and i talked about puppies and kitties which was great fun, and about all i could do anyway. i told julie i had been having an emotionally draining week, and she was super schweet. i guess i am going to help do a group zine as an extra credit project with a bunch of the kids in my class. that's cool and i'm looking forward to it.

it occured to me while we were watching the hangin' tough video that i don't have to do any work tonight if i don't want to. which feels really good, seeing as how i have been extremely stressed. i should still start reading for my paper for african studies, but i don't feel any pressure.

maybe i will make myself a veggie dog and look at strap-on. ahhhhhh. i wish recess was on now.

i hope you are all having really nice days. xo.

Wednesday, May 16, 2001 | 9:55 a.m.

it's very early for this kid to be up. i could go home right this second and fall back asleep, but i'm having a bit of fun playing on the super fast connection computers here at school. i couldn't fall asleep until really late last night. it's my own damn fault, seeing as how i never go to bed early. it's inevitable that i got up 3948239483 times to go drink beverages and look at bad internet porn with lisa. haha. but i drifted off somewhere around 4am, and might not have made it to this here class had i not gotten a call from my mommy, making sure i was up. she was being a little meddley, but i wouldn't woken up otherwise. yeay and thanks. i've been having alarm issues which i need to rectify.

everyone else in here is deciding who they should elect for student government. from what i can tell, the candidates are real tools. maybe i will go do that? hmmmm.

oh hey, can anyone tell me how i can hook my tapedeck up to my computer???

you're all gems. remember that.

Tuesday, May 15, 2001 | 12:36 a.m.

"you are nothing but a slimey porn store worker"

i love jerry springer.

i redid this page to try to motivate myself to update. we will see if it works. hi there!

the big thing i want to say is:

my girlfriend is a femme superhero and i am really proud of her. xoxoxoxo you are the fucking best. <3<3